Sunday, May 23, 2004

Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Unveil New Alert System

The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse have unveiled a new warning system to relay Apocalypse status to the public. Speaking on behalf of the other three, The First Horseman gave a press conference yesterday in order to present the new system. Wearing a white suit, white Fedora and white bow-tie, the First Horseman arrived in a white limousine and invited reporters to ‘come and see’ the new 5-level Apocalypse alert system.

“As you know, we Horsemen are scheduled to ride across the earth in the days just prior to The Apocalypse. Over the years, we’ve come to realize that most signs of our arrival are greatly exaggerated. In order to simplify the signs for the general population, we’ve come up with a new system, which is patterned after Homeland Security’s highly successful system for terror alerts. We also felt an image make-over was long overdue in order to better relate to modern society, and this will help with that goal”

Referring to a five color display, the First Horseman explained the risk levels. “The levels will be color-coded Emerald Green for ‘Low’, Royal Blue for ‘Guarded’, Mellow Yellow for ‘Elevated’, Florescent Orange for ‘High’ and Candy Apple Red for ’Severe’. We are confident this warning system will better alert mortals to the risk of Apocalypse, allowing sufficient time to atone or whatever it is you people do just before the end of the world.”

When asked to give examples of the various levels, the First Horseman explained, “Well, our current risk level is at Mellow Yellow. Emerald Green would have been applicable sometime shortly after the last Ice Age, while Florescent Orange would apply to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

A risk level of Red would have been issued during this year’s baseball playoffs. In fact, we were all ready to ride, but then came the miraculous intervention by Cubs fan Steve Bartman in the 8th inning of Game 6, and the Apocalypse was called off. And there we were, all dressed up in the archaic garb, getting the horses out of the cosmic stables when we got the word. Just goes to show, you never really know.”

Some of the Press questioned the notable absence of the other three Horsemen. The First Horseman explained, “We all agreed on the system but felt a simultaneous appearance by all four of us would cause undue panic. After all, by Contract, the Apocalypse requires an appearance by all four of us. We didn’t wish to send the wrong message by appearing at this press conference together. I mean, face it, you’re jumpy enough as it is.”

When asked what the Horsemen do when not involved with The Apocalypse, the First Horseman replied, “Besides wait? Well, when Famine isn’t spreading drought or plagues of locusts in Africa, he likes to kick back at his villa in Italy, tending to his olive groves and making wine. He likes to stay close to the home office.

The Second Horseman, commonly referred to as War, spends a lot of time in the Middle East, but he also can be found on Wall Street. In fact, he single-handedly created the Military-Industrial Complex and all the industries that feed it.

The Fourth Horseman, on the other hand, hasn’t been feeling well lately, but still finds time to take a cruise, or travel to exotic places. He spent a few months in in Hong Kong last fall but is back in the States this year. And I prefer the world of politics as a diversion because I like to laugh. Some of the best stand-up comedy in the cosmos can be found there.”

But some attest that the system is so nondescript, it is practically useless. “With all that is going on in the world right now, how can you expect us to believe that The Apocalypse isn’t right around the corner instead of at level Yellow as you claim?” asked a reporter.

The First Horseman laughed out loud. “Listen, when we decide to ride down on your asses, you’ll know it.”

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