Thursday, June 10, 2004

Something About Hamlet: Reviewed By a Guy Who Knew Someone Who Thinks They Saw This Flick

Hamlet (frat boy Adam Sadler) offers a riveting performance as a carefree, college party animal living the good life when he is informed of his father's death and mother's marriage to his Uncle Claudius (Bill Murray in his best role since "Stripes"). Claudius, who has taken over control of Hamlet's father's business empire, immediately orders Hamlet home. Hamlet's funds are cut off and unable to return to the college life he loves, he is offered a tidy sum to court Ophelia (lovely Kate Hudson wearing too many clothes). But her brother Laertes (ferret-like Will Ferrell) suspects Hamlet's carnal intentions and schemes to break up the relationship.

Meanwhile, Hamlet's friend Horatio (high-strung Ben Stiller) sees Hamlet's father's ghost (overacted by Patrick Stewart) and freaks out in his most hilarious neurotic episode since "Along Came Polly". Hamlet eventually has a reluctant conversation with his father's ghost, who informs him he must renounce his slacker ways and get a job in order to save the family business and wrest control from his evil Uncle. However, Hamlet decides instead to fake a nervous breakdown, giving him time to work on his murder mystery screenplay. Suffering from severe writer's block, he decides to use his father's murder as the template for his languishing screenplay.

Claudius is preparing to send his seemingly deranged and extremely annoying nephew off to England to a secluded drug rehabilitation clinic when Hamlet finally finishes and sells his screenplay. Claudius comes across Hamlet's direct-to-video movie on HBO and is furious that he was not included in the credits of this unauthorized biography.
When Hamlet catches Claudius on the phone with his lawyer, he considers killing him then, but decides against it. Instead, he confronts his mother, Gertrude (lantern-jawed Glenn Close in a familiar role) about copyright infringement. But Hamlet suddenly sees the ghost of his father again and freaks out Sadler style in one of the funniest scenes of the entire movie. However, this convinces his mother that drug rehab might indeed be a wise option.

So Hamlet is now hurriedly sent off to England. When he discovers his film has been pirated and bootleg copies are being sold on the Internet, he immediately returns home to file a lawsuit. But back at the castle, Ophelia is grieving the death her father and the emotional abandonment by Hamlet, and like everybody else in this neurotic movie, she freaks out, and drowns herself in one of the movies more poignant scenes. Laertes vows revenge while back on spring break, and plots with Claudius to kill Hamlet with a poison letter opener. Claudius also secures a poison keg of beer, just in case.

As Hamlet arrives home (just as Ophelia is being buried), he tells Horatio that Uncle Claudius has set him up. Horatio (Stiller)....freaks out in a scene reminiscent of his role in "Something About Mary". Laertes suddenly falls through the door and challenges Hamlet. Highly irritated by Laertes' whiny voice, Hamlet goes into a berserker-rage, getting into a room-clearing brawl that imitates the famous Happy Gilmore/Bob Barker fight-scene.
After an intense struggle over the letter-opener, he stabs Laertes in the hand with it. Gertrude, unaware of the poisoned keg kept in reserve in case Laertes is too big a wimp to finish Hamlet off, succumbs to the seductive allures of an ice-cold keg and poisons herself, too. Dying in a drunken stupor, she confesses Claudius' treachery and Laertes nods in silent affirmation.
Hamlet then confronts his Uncle Claudius, who cynically verbally assaults him in the way only Bill Murray could. Indulging the audience, Hamlet kills Claudius with a tire iron and finishes off the keg, expiring with a loud belch of satisfaction that would have Shakespeare turning over in his grave. While not perfect, this film adaptation is sure to please Sadler fans, while insulting any English Literature majors foolish enough to wander in. A sure sign of success in Hollywood.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Rumsfeld's West Point Commencement Speech Translated

Secretary Rumsfeld, the Cabinet gadfly, delivered the commencement speech at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. The self-described 'Survivor" gave the graduating class a glimpse into the future. But no cameras, please.

Rumsfeld: "History may well call upon you at a critical time, at a critical moment, and you will be ready."

Translation: "Hello...hello....? Sure, one moment, please. It's history calling and it's for you."

Rumsfeld: "We are closer to the beginning of this struggle, this global insurgency, than to its end."

Translation: "But, don't listen me. If my original projections had held up, we'd be finished with the invasion of Syria by now."

Rumsfeld: "The civilized world will win the global war against terror because of people like Lt. Hughes, and because of those of you here today."

Translation: "Thank goodness, because if we had to rely on folks like Bush's daughters, we'd really be screwed."

Rumsfeld: "Your love for soldiers must be as unconditional as it is for your own families."

Translation: "Since they've got guns, I wouldn't try treating them like Plebes either. "

Rumsfeld: "Use the skills you learned here to bring out the very best in them, including respect for others. And always fall back on the moral clarity of the honor code that you've learned here."

Translation: "All the non-bogus stuff, I mean."

Rumsfeld: "Enemies have tried many times to pull us apart. They will not succeed."

Translation: "Heck, this Administration is so good at self-destructing, who needs enemies anyway?"

Rumsfeld: "Since you have arrived here, our world has changed dramatically."

Translation: "It's like while you were on vacation, a motorcycle gang took residence in your house. Now get in there and evict 'em!"

Rumsfeld: "Terrorists are trying to tear the world apart, but they will not be allowed to do so. "

Translation: "That's my damned job!"

Rumsfeld: "You have our admiration and our respect. Our country's future is in capable hands.''

Translation: "No pressure or anything."

Rumsfeld: ''As have the brave generations of the past, you, too, will face the enemies of freedom. Because of who you are, and because of what this Academy stands for, there is no doubt of your success.''

Translation: "However, as a Princeton graduate, my job was to throw the entire world into turmoil so you'd have a challenge."

Thursday, June 03, 2004

RESUME of Dr. Alan Greenspan

Seeking Position: High profile government bureaucrat seeks low pressure, secure position within the private sector. Employer must value loyalty and political commitment over sound policy. Strong points include vast vocabulary, rapid reversal of position, incomprehensible innuendoes and aura of authority. Available 20 June 2004. Personal profile provided below.

Name: Dr. Alan Greenspan
Born: March 6, 1926

Current Position: Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve. Designated Chairman by Presidents Reagan, Bush, and Clinton.

B.S. in economics (summa cum laude) in 1948
M.A. in economics in 1950
Ph.D. in economics in 1977; New York University.

Job Experience: Chairman and President of Townsend-Greenspan & Co., Inc. 1954 to 1974 and 1977 to 1987. Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers: 1974 to 1977
Chairman of the National Commission on Social Security Reform: 1981 to 1983

Additional Experience: Corporate director for Aluminum Company of America (Alcoa); Automatic Data Processing, Inc.; Capital Cities/ABC, Inc.; General Foods, Inc.; J.P. Morgan & Co., Inc.; Morgan Guaranty Trust Company of New York; Mobil Corporation; and The Pittston Company.

Honors: Recognized relevance of former fiscal policy successes in the manifestation of at least one booming economy during sequential terms as Chairman.

Position Sought: Chief custodian of written materials and electronic records within an academic environment suitable for pursuit of economic research and reiteration of previous neo-Keynesian positions in the area of monetary policy.

Reason for leaving current position: Contract negotiations discontinued placing a steady downward pressure on the blame for the bad fiscal policy and ineffective tax cuts, which, as per theory and Administration methodology, have trickled down to my level.

May we contact your current employer: Hell no! Would prefer you contact former president Clinton since the economy was better during his term.

List three personal references: Personal references only able to be contacted through Ouija board or other suitable persistent ectoplasmic conduit to the netherworld.

Hobbies and Interests: Currency aggregation. More specifically removing updated $100 bills with sequential serial numbers from the money supply in order to create a more favorable personal financial projection.

Likes: Other people's money.

Dislikes: The temporary condition characterized by lack of sufficient liquidity to be able to participate in rising housing starts, durable goods manufacturing or to contribute to the GNP in general through higher retail sales.

Favorite Movie: "Mo' Money"

Favorite County/Western Artist(s): Johnny Cash; Johnny Paycheck;

Favorite Rap Artist: 50 Cent

Favorite Cartoon Character(s): Mr. McGoo

Special Skills: Abnormal capacity to insinuate the obvious without explicit verbalization to the contrary.

What do you feel are the outstanding characteristics that qualify you for this job:
My ability to ponder and enact the most dysfunctional executive level suggestions with absolutely no change of expression.

RESUME of George J. Tenet

Seeking Position: Career bureaucrat employed in the security field seeks equivalent, highly paid, low profile position in the private sector. Major strengths include selective objectives, disinformation dissemination, misdirection, targeted threat detection and repressed recollection. Available immediately. Personal profile provided below.

Name: George John Tenet
Born: January 5, 1953
Current Position: Director of the Central Intelligence Service

B.S.F.S. from the Georgetown University School of Foreign Service, 1976
M.I.A. from the School of International Affairs at Columbia University, 1978

Job Experience:
Deputy Director of Central Intelligence, July 1995
Acting Director of Central Intelligence, December 1996
Director of Central Intelligence, 11 July 1997
Departing Director of Central Intelligence, July 04

Additional Experience: Most of that I can't talk about

Honors: Did a 'superb job' as current Administration's Director of Central Intelligence. Got a metal of freedom out of it. In previous Administrations acted as Special Assistant to the President and Senior Director for Intelligence Programs at the National Security Council. Coordinated the Presidential Decision Directives on ''Intelligence Priorities,'' ''Security Policy Coordination,'' ''US Policy on Remote Sensing Space Capabilities,'' and "The Slam-Dunkability Factor in 21st Century Policy."

Position Sought: Senior level executive in charge of security in the Fraud and Loss Prevention department of a major retailer

Reason for leaving current position: Unable to slam dunk and three point shooting dismal.

May we contact your current employer: My sources tell me he is out of the country at this time however the information has not yet been confirmed.

List three personal references:
Ahmad Chalabi, former CIA lackey
Robert Novak, journalist and current CIA lackey
"Mr. Blonde," Nonaffiliated operative with no direct link to U.S. intelligence services

Do you have a criminal record? Will neither confirm nor deny.

Hobbies and Interests: Photography, computers and tap dancing.

Likes: Cool, damp evenings alone on deserted piers, London Fogs, and blowguns.

Dislikes: Congressional Committees

Favorite Movie: "Swordfish"
Favorite Book: "Sum of All Fears"

Favorite Cartoon Character(s): Secret Squirrel. Boris Badenoff

Special Skills: Skilled in card and magic tricks, sleights of hand and making people disappear.

Additional Skills: I know where you live.