Thursday, June 03, 2004

RESUME of Dr. Alan Greenspan

Seeking Position: High profile government bureaucrat seeks low pressure, secure position within the private sector. Employer must value loyalty and political commitment over sound policy. Strong points include vast vocabulary, rapid reversal of position, incomprehensible innuendoes and aura of authority. Available 20 June 2004. Personal profile provided below.

Name: Dr. Alan Greenspan
Born: March 6, 1926

Current Position: Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve. Designated Chairman by Presidents Reagan, Bush, and Clinton.

B.S. in economics (summa cum laude) in 1948
M.A. in economics in 1950
Ph.D. in economics in 1977; New York University.

Job Experience: Chairman and President of Townsend-Greenspan & Co., Inc. 1954 to 1974 and 1977 to 1987. Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers: 1974 to 1977
Chairman of the National Commission on Social Security Reform: 1981 to 1983

Additional Experience: Corporate director for Aluminum Company of America (Alcoa); Automatic Data Processing, Inc.; Capital Cities/ABC, Inc.; General Foods, Inc.; J.P. Morgan & Co., Inc.; Morgan Guaranty Trust Company of New York; Mobil Corporation; and The Pittston Company.

Honors: Recognized relevance of former fiscal policy successes in the manifestation of at least one booming economy during sequential terms as Chairman.

Position Sought: Chief custodian of written materials and electronic records within an academic environment suitable for pursuit of economic research and reiteration of previous neo-Keynesian positions in the area of monetary policy.

Reason for leaving current position: Contract negotiations discontinued placing a steady downward pressure on the blame for the bad fiscal policy and ineffective tax cuts, which, as per theory and Administration methodology, have trickled down to my level.

May we contact your current employer: Hell no! Would prefer you contact former president Clinton since the economy was better during his term.

List three personal references: Personal references only able to be contacted through Ouija board or other suitable persistent ectoplasmic conduit to the netherworld.

Hobbies and Interests: Currency aggregation. More specifically removing updated $100 bills with sequential serial numbers from the money supply in order to create a more favorable personal financial projection.

Likes: Other people's money.

Dislikes: The temporary condition characterized by lack of sufficient liquidity to be able to participate in rising housing starts, durable goods manufacturing or to contribute to the GNP in general through higher retail sales.

Favorite Movie: "Mo' Money"

Favorite County/Western Artist(s): Johnny Cash; Johnny Paycheck;

Favorite Rap Artist: 50 Cent

Favorite Cartoon Character(s): Mr. McGoo

Special Skills: Abnormal capacity to insinuate the obvious without explicit verbalization to the contrary.

What do you feel are the outstanding characteristics that qualify you for this job:
My ability to ponder and enact the most dysfunctional executive level suggestions with absolutely no change of expression.

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