Friday, June 04, 2004

Rumsfeld's West Point Commencement Speech Translated

Secretary Rumsfeld, the Cabinet gadfly, delivered the commencement speech at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. The self-described 'Survivor" gave the graduating class a glimpse into the future. But no cameras, please.

Rumsfeld: "History may well call upon you at a critical time, at a critical moment, and you will be ready."

Translation: "Hello...hello....? Sure, one moment, please. It's history calling and it's for you."

Rumsfeld: "We are closer to the beginning of this struggle, this global insurgency, than to its end."

Translation: "But, don't listen me. If my original projections had held up, we'd be finished with the invasion of Syria by now."

Rumsfeld: "The civilized world will win the global war against terror because of people like Lt. Hughes, and because of those of you here today."

Translation: "Thank goodness, because if we had to rely on folks like Bush's daughters, we'd really be screwed."

Rumsfeld: "Your love for soldiers must be as unconditional as it is for your own families."

Translation: "Since they've got guns, I wouldn't try treating them like Plebes either. "

Rumsfeld: "Use the skills you learned here to bring out the very best in them, including respect for others. And always fall back on the moral clarity of the honor code that you've learned here."

Translation: "All the non-bogus stuff, I mean."

Rumsfeld: "Enemies have tried many times to pull us apart. They will not succeed."

Translation: "Heck, this Administration is so good at self-destructing, who needs enemies anyway?"

Rumsfeld: "Since you have arrived here, our world has changed dramatically."

Translation: "It's like while you were on vacation, a motorcycle gang took residence in your house. Now get in there and evict 'em!"

Rumsfeld: "Terrorists are trying to tear the world apart, but they will not be allowed to do so. "

Translation: "That's my damned job!"

Rumsfeld: "You have our admiration and our respect. Our country's future is in capable hands.''

Translation: "No pressure or anything."

Rumsfeld: ''As have the brave generations of the past, you, too, will face the enemies of freedom. Because of who you are, and because of what this Academy stands for, there is no doubt of your success.''

Translation: "However, as a Princeton graduate, my job was to throw the entire world into turmoil so you'd have a challenge."

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