Thursday, February 17, 2005

Reviewed By
A Guy Who
Never Even Bothered to See The Flick

If the title alone doesn’t conjure up bad memories of KC and the Sunshine band a year after they ran out of any more ways to use that same chord progression, you deserve to get cheated out of $10. This move was so bad they didn’t even let the movie reviewers see it. I had to go to a movie-pirating site in Amsterdam. Trying to download it, even the site threw me a load error-message: “Like, why waste the bandwidth, Dude?”
I finally located an accessible copy of it on a backwater site in the Honduras. This horrific direct-to-video-wannabe is directed by Stephen T. Kay and actually has Lucy Lawless in a role that’ll make you nostalgic for the good ole days of Xena. Are you sure you really want to know about it?

The official story is, “A man traumatized by the memories of terrible events he experienced in his childhood bedroom is forced to return home several years later to face his fears.” Exactly how that happens apparently wasn’t a big plot point, sufficiently glossed over to make time for the special effects that all take place…in the dark. Even Riddick, that ‘I-can-see-in-total-darkness’ anti-hero from “Pitch Black” (and another movie which shall remain unnamed) wouldn’t be able to make out what was happening in this film. If you’ve seen the trailers, you notice right off that you don’t see squat in the kinetic, quick edit clips of shadows, things jumping out of shadows, scared looking people running into shadows and general shadow mayhem. And then there’s that awful soundtrack of demented children from Hell singing nursery rhymes. Got it? Well, imagine 76 minutes of just that and you can save your time for something more enjoyable like plucking your own eyes from your skull.

Seriously, this movie makes you wish that Jason, Michael Myers and Freddy were real so they could just walk into the theater and put you all out of your misery. This film reminded me of “The Omen”. No, not that it was genuinely creepy and a good value for the money, but in that every time something Evil was going to happen to any of the characters, the chanting started. Most people hate Gregorian chants to this day because of that movie. But, in THIS case, if you’re even thinking about shelling out good money to see a film that even the studios are ashamed to let people preview…you should hear that chanting about now.

The most horrific thing about this movie is it left itself open for a sequel. And if that’s not the most terrifying thought you’ve ever had, after you sit through this monstrosity, it will be.

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