Thursday, February 17, 2005

Constantine: Reviewed By A Guy Who Never Even Bothered To See The Flick

After a sneak preview of the movie Constantine, I find myself personally depressed, spiritually cynical and glad I didn’t have to pay for it. This flick stars Keanu Reeves as a California-style supernatural private eye who helps a police detective (Rachel Weisz) after the strange suicide of her twin sister. Besides dual screen credits, you might not be too sure what this has to do with anything. But, when you come to realize that Constantine was reputedly born with the ability to recognize the half-breed angels and demons that walk among Mankind, and committed suicide because of it…you’ll STILL be confused. And twenty minutes into this dark, depressing tale of the blurred lines between good and evil, you might find yourself wishing “Constantine” had just opted for a “Do Not Resuscitate” bracelet.

The film can be summed up as a series of twists and turns in the dark that don’t mislead anyone old enough to legally be in this gangrenous, R-rated, head wound of a movie. Director Francis Lawrence appears to have accidentally wandered onto the set dazed and confused, thinking it was an Aerosmith video. Reportedly based on an obscure comic about an English magician/con man, one can’t help but wonder if changing the character from an English bloke to a California dude was the reason this movie’s plot got lost in translation.

If you’re paying good money to see this movie because you’re expecting a “Matrix” like film with extraordinary special effects, there’s good news and bad news. Good news: you get the same Neo style dialog and a plotline about as muddled as the final Matrix installment. And the bad news: you get special effects resembling the unholy love child of “The Exorcist” and “Tron”. This results in creatures a lot worst than monkeys flying out of Reeves’ butt. The movie itself will probably disappoint lovers of the comic as well as any unsuspecting dupe that wanders in off the street. Makes you wonder, if this movie is THIS bad, just how bad can hell possibly be?

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