Thursday, May 12, 2005

2005’s Most Over-Exposed People

Dave Chappelle: Not only was Dave Chappelle crowned a comedy genius by borrowing Flip Wilson's act, but he also borrowed from Chris Rock who borrowed from Eddie Murphy who stole it from Richard Pryor in the first place. One can justifiably say that rather than listen to Chappelle rehash old routines overdone three times over, it would be a lot funnier getting Pryor on the Ouija Board.
Then, ironically, Chappelle had the chance to might make more money this year than all three of the others put together. And I'm talking about the major news anchors. The least he could do was look less bored himself while he’s making a mint. But, as it turned out, he failed to deliver the new season on time back in February and by May, he was hiding out in South Africa somewhere. Leaving millions behind to flee to South Africa? OK, that's either crazy or stone cold serious!

Jennifer Lopez: First she hooked up with a record producer to jumpstart her music career, then a choreographer to help her live act, then an actor to help her entry into film. She eventually had to settle for a singer whose best days went out with the 1990’s. Just what else can J. Lo possibly use to hold us hostage? Unfortunately, her butt became as morbidly fascinating as train wreck when she wore that dress missing the material in the back a few years ago. Admittedly, there was a time when it was interesting to watch her deconstruct the lives and careers of the men in her life, but unless Mark Anthony plans on doing an adaptation of “Julius Caesar,” he’s probably safe for the moment.

Bill Clinton: Just three words for you Bill: Not President Anymore. You’re like a date that won’t go home. Dinner is over, and hey, thanks to Monica even the sex is over. Now GO HOME! It’s not that we don’t like you, but let’s put it this way: you were the class of ’92 and we’re the class of ’05. We’ve seen your trophies in the trophy case and they’ve even retired your jersey number. But, you can’t lead us to state anymore. So quit hanging around outside the gym and sucking up to the camera. It’s starting to creep us all out.

Saddam Hussein:
After a year of captivity, a word of advice to Saddam’s handlers: put him back in the spider hole. At least when he was on the loose, there was this illusion of menace. If the U.S. Army would practice ‘catch and release’ tactics, at least we’d still have the chase. As it stands, we’ve got a sociopath who just won’t play along with the “broken man” script like he’s supposed to. Without menace or relevant defiance, he’s just another convict, and face it: crazy Charles Manson is still more interesting in a sick sort of way.

Dan Rather:
Most people were bored with Dan all the way back in the 80’s. OK, there was that incident where he got pummeled to the tune of “what’s the frequency, Kenneth”. Nobody really believed that, but Dan Rather getting beat up for any reason was amusing for a while. But, waiting in vain for the inevitable fistfight between Dan and Geraldo Rivera to manifest, we’ve grown weary of waiting and bid Dan, adieu.

The Olsen Twins: Well, the jokes about them coming of ‘age’ are old now and the truth of the matter is, who in their right mind would care about these two coming of age? The entire spectator sport of watching the Olsen Twins age was about as exciting as watching the ball drop in Times Square. Once it happens….then what? If we actually expected their expressions to change, then we certainly got ripped on that. There’s nothing more boring than celebrities that bore themselves. Even Bulimia and drug addiction are boring now that everybody’s been in rehab in Hollywood. Only the spectacle of a murder trial will liven the Olsen Twins up and only if one of them is a serial killer.

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