Dave Chappelle: Alive and Translated (by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Show)

Dave Chappelle got the biggest contract in Comedy Central history then went missing in action. What's up with that dude?

Dave Chappelle: I'm not crazy; I'm not smoking crack.

Translation: Contrary to popular conjecture, I am much too rich to risk my sanity with mundane drugs like that.

Chappelle: I'm definitely stressed out.
Translation: BUGS! BUGS!! EVERYWHERE!!! ALL OVER ME!!!!!!!!

Chappelle: There were things that overwhelmed me. But not in the way that people are saying.
Translation: No, I was much more f**ked up than that.

Chappelle: I haven't spent any of the money. All that stuff about partying and taking crack is not true.
Translation: The only crack I’ve seen in the last month is a picture of Jennifer Lopez in a swimsuit.

Chappelle: Why do I live on a farm in Ohio? To support my partying lifestyle?
Translation: Have I introduced you to Hannah, my favorite sheep?

Chappelle: Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh.
Translation: I can also get cholera, diphtheria, and malaria plus be eaten by a lion. DAMN, it doesn’t get much better than this!

Chappelle: I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here.
Translation: Where…where the hell am I?

Chappelle: You hear so many voices jockeying for position in your mind that you want to make sure that you hear your own voice.
Translation: Hello? Hello? Anybody home?

Chappelle: So I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone — stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as the brakes.
Translation: So guess what I used to shift gears?

Chappelle: If you don't have the right people around you, and you're moving at a million miles an hour, you can lose yourself.
Translation: You can also experience time dilation and a corresponding increase in mass and….um…..damn, I lost my train of thought.

Chappelle: Everyone around me says, 'You're a genius, you're great, that's your voice,' but I'm not sure that they're right. ... You got to be careful of the company you keep.
Translation: Lately, I’ve been getting all of Michael Jackson’s hangers on.

Chappelle: One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.
Translation: Funny how your friends’ tastes increase proportionally to YOUR income.

Chappelle: I want to make sure I'm dancing and not shuffling.
Translation: And those Amos and Andy reruns I was watching started f**king with my head.

Chappelle: Whatever decisions I make right now I'm going to have to live with. Your soul is priceless.
Translation: MY soul, on the other hand, is worth $50 million dollars, suckers!

Chappelle: I have trust issues. I saw some stuff in myself that I just didn't dig. ... There were some things about myself that I didn't like.
Translation: In retrospect, I suppose my humor has been just demeaning and crass. I’m cool with that, but when I ran out of Richard Pryor material to rip off, I just panicked.

Chappelle: When I get back, [I hope] everything will be up and running, or we'll make other arrangements.
Translation: But, I’m keeping the money…BITCH!