Thursday, May 12, 2005

Trump Killed By Mob; Resurrected By Satan

Enraged at Donald Trump’s recent reorganization of his casino business, scores of angry investors screwed out of millions of dollars converged on Trump’s limo outside a district court, pulled him from the vehicle and strangled him to death with his own comb-over. However, mere hours after his untimely demise, Donald Trump was resurrected from Hell and sent to ABC to pitch Satan’s newest reality show concept, The Devil’s Apprentice. ABC executives agreed in principle to a limited run of The Devil’s Apprentice and sent Trump to roam the earth in search of a select group of self-centered contestants evil enough to make this spin-off of The Apprentice franchise equally as successful.

Using ultra-high-technology available only to the super-rich and supernatural powers spawned in Hell itself, Trump disappeared in thick, black smoke, returning mere seconds later with contestants harkening from assorted black arts and willing to sign their soul away to The Devil for the opportunity to appear on television. The 12 contestants were split into two teams that will clash in weekly competitions for the possibility of being named the “Devil’s Apprentice” and ruling a minor backwater Domain in Hell. The losers are simply fired and cast into a bottomless pit to face an eternity of torment.

And the show appears to be off to a Hell of a start. Using his vast power over time and space, Trump abbreviated a week long shooting schedule to a few hours and delivered the finished product even before the first promos were outlined. “This show is going to be awesome! Believe it or not, the new, demonic Trump is less arrogant than before. But he makes up for that with a newly developed wicked sense of humor, ” said the show’s producer Mark Burnett. “When Trump fires somebody now, they REALLY get fired, you know what I mean? And it’s not everyday you can go from concept to pilot episode in less than a week. All hail Satan!”

The premiere episode introduced the team members and announced their first task: name their respective teams. Team 1 opted for the confident sounding “We Got Baals”, while Team 2 chose the less obnoxious and more succulently sinister “Hades, Inc.” Their second task was to plan and pitch a satanic commercial designed to harvest as many souls as possible during the coming professional basketball playoffs. “We Got Baals” selected Jennifer Lopez for a live Diet Coke with Lime commercial and plotted a wardrobe malfunction involving a daring derrière display that was calculated to bring the largest proportion of the viewers to the Dark Side.

“Hades, Inc”, meanwhile, employed a much subtler ploy, pitching an ad highlighting a speaking appearance by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich at the Silverton Casino in Las Vegas…sandwiched in between performances by Twisted Sister and Steppenwolf. “If THAT doesn’t shake a lot of core conservative convictions to their very foundations, I don’t know what will,” said Project Manager Annakiya Duvalier, a High Voodoo Priestess from Haiti.

After both teams pitched their ideas to a panel of evil network executives, the ad by “Hades, Inc.” was declared the most diabolical, while “We Got Baals’ was called into the Boardroom to determine who would be the first soul cast into the fiery Pit. After a brief but futile defense, dark warlock and Project Manager Tim Llewellyn was selected for sacrifice. Set afire by a horned and hoofed Trump as The Pit opened beneath his chair, Tim fell in flames, screaming in torment and disappearing into the Darkness below as Trump laughed maniacally.

“Except for the ‘special effects’ this show went pretty much like the previous three Apprentice shows,” said Mark Burnett. The first episode garnered 25.1 million viewers overall and 10.9 rating/25 share in the adults 18-49 demographic at 9 p.m. However, some ABC executives are worried about possibly litigation from injuries and mental anguish incurred by the show’s participants. But, Trump countered those fears by pointing out, “They all signed waivers, so we can do any damned thing we want to them. Besides, who’s going to sue the patron saint of all lawyers anyway?”

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