Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Star Wars: The Clown Wars. Reviewed by A Guy Who Didn’t Even See the Flick (But Heard About it in Line at the Dairy Queen)

At first, I thought I’d unintentionally walked in on an advertisement for animation courses being given at the community college. Later I was wishing I had, because the writing would have probably been better. It begs the question, just how much freaking money does Lucas need before he’ll stop this madness? Not only was Lucas’ depiction of the Clown Wars factually incorrect, it also took great liberties with Anakin’s first padawan Ahsoka Tano.

As we all know, Ahsoka Tano disappeared mysteriously mid-way through the Clown Wars, leaving behind only a bucket of confetti and a Oogah Horn. The only verbal account of the circumstances surrounding her disappearance was a gibberish filled diatribe by a clearly intoxicated Yoda shortly afterwards where he expresses the opinion, “Snotty, unfunny little twit she was.”

For those of you that not familiar with the Star Wars mythos, this animated subcutaneous lesion takes place between “Attack of the Clowns’ and “Revenge of the Syphilis.” A trade war has broken out between the Republic and the Trade Federation, severely curtailing shipment of over-sized shoes and small clown cars to Count Dooku’s breakaway republic.

Throwing billons of pissed off clowns out of jobs is a sure formula for anarchy, so Dooku takes action by kidnapping his arch-enemy Jabba The Hutt’s son. As Dooku lies in wait, the storyline bogs down while Obi Wan and Anakin play a game of “What’s that smell", frequently checking their shoes to determine the source of that Stinky odor. They discover about halfway through this septic system of a plot that it’s the writing!

Furthermore, Lucas tried to pay homage to everything and everyone in this flick. A scene reminiscent of “Brokeback Mountain” was designed to show us how close Anakin and Obi Wan had become over the years, but the intimacy of that scene falls flat after Yoda staggers in drunk, with a holo-recorder. Obviously, Lucas has no reverence for his characters, preferring to prostitute them shamelessly for a quick buck.

Although the scene of Anakin and Obi Wan trying to infiltrate Dooku’s stronghold disguised as clowns and walking in on a mime convention was hilarious, it still never rose to the level of Hans Solo’s, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” They did use that same line countless times, including during the film credits at the beginning the film, however it seemed to lose its effect after a while. Other lame attempts at humor such as, “I smell Dooku,” and the retort, “Well, I didn’t step in it,” left a lot to be desired.

The Clown Wars shamelessly rips off other animated documentaries chronicling the cosmic clown conflict, such as “Tripping the Rift” and “Futurama”…but I usually like that in a film. All in all, I felt this film was simply an hour and half long advertisement for the animated television series coming this fall. While I do not expect it to last the entire three-year run of the actual Clown War, it may find a niche in a time-slot opposite “Lost”. Otherwise, unless the actors lose their “big heads” and the director lets Samuel L. Jackson’s character cuss up a storm, this series has about as much chance as an Ewok in Wookietown.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Coming Attractions of a Flick I Probably Won’t See

Oh great. Another horror flick.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"Meet Dave": Reviewed By A Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

Famed vampire hunter Gabriel Van Helsing has come out of retirement to end Eddie Murphy’s reign of terror at the box office. It was revealed this week that Eddie Murphy, humanely "put down" shortly after the release of "Norbit" last year, has been mysteriously reanimated and is continuing to make movies. In declining comedic health since his near-fatal accident with "Pluto Nash", Murphy freakishly returns like a zombie in search of brains in "Meet Dave". Paying subtle homage to "Weekend at Bernie’s", Murphy shuns the sophomoric, manual corpse manipulation for more sophisticated "tiny human technology" using Dave as a vehicle to elicit more laughs than a celebrity picking up a transvestite.

Joining Mike Myers’ still-born brain-child, "The Love Guru" and Adam Sandler’s messed up "Don’t Mess with the Zohan", Murphy’s latest offering proves that there’s still plenty of room at the bottom for former SNL cast members. "There’s obviously an expiration date on post-SNL success", said David "The Shill" Spade, whose cinema career only marginally exceeds Murphy’s latest marriage. However, Martin "Will-Work-For-Food" Short, currently working on an Ed Grimly script, still believes "you can do it" if you purge yourself of absolutely all shame. Fortunately, as Van Helsing’s crossbow bolt to Short’s chest suggests, some dark secrets are best left unknown.

Even dead, Murphy still shuns singular roles and deftly plays a human sized ship as well as its captain. Bug-eyed and jerky, Murphy digs deep and brings his undead experiences to the screen for mobs of zombie fans, still looking for brains but failing to find them here. Wandering aimlessly from theater to theater, most eventually gorged themselves at "Iron Man". But genetically prone to over-eating and sluggish digestive systems, the multitudes of undead soon required a laxative and were observed later at "Sex in the City." In an interview last week, Van Helsing emphasized that part of the reason he came out of retirement was prevent, "movie hacks of the night from ruling cinema. Ooooo, look Angelina Jolie!" he exclaimed as he loaded his crossbow.

Part of the promotional gimmick for "Meet Dave" included a giant head resembling Murphy parked in Times Square. But according to director Brian Robbins, "That’s the REAL SIZE of Murphy’s head…maybe a little smaller, really." Some have suggested they bury the head at a cross-roads in hope of stopping Murphy’s self-destructive, living-dead movie making career. "Maybe he can finally rest in peace," said Chris Rock, direct recipient of Murphy’s early 80’s stand-up comedy style. "If I ever become a cinema zombie like that, somebody just shoot me," said the star of "I Think I Love My Wife". Rock’s funeral will be Thursday.