Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Star Wars: The Clown Wars. Reviewed by A Guy Who Didn’t Even See the Flick (But Heard About it in Line at the Dairy Queen)

At first, I thought I’d unintentionally walked in on an advertisement for animation courses being given at the community college. Later I was wishing I had, because the writing would have probably been better. It begs the question, just how much freaking money does Lucas need before he’ll stop this madness? Not only was Lucas’ depiction of the Clown Wars factually incorrect, it also took great liberties with Anakin’s first padawan Ahsoka Tano.

As we all know, Ahsoka Tano disappeared mysteriously mid-way through the Clown Wars, leaving behind only a bucket of confetti and a Oogah Horn. The only verbal account of the circumstances surrounding her disappearance was a gibberish filled diatribe by a clearly intoxicated Yoda shortly afterwards where he expresses the opinion, “Snotty, unfunny little twit she was.”

For those of you that not familiar with the Star Wars mythos, this animated subcutaneous lesion takes place between “Attack of the Clowns’ and “Revenge of the Syphilis.” A trade war has broken out between the Republic and the Trade Federation, severely curtailing shipment of over-sized shoes and small clown cars to Count Dooku’s breakaway republic.

Throwing billons of pissed off clowns out of jobs is a sure formula for anarchy, so Dooku takes action by kidnapping his arch-enemy Jabba The Hutt’s son. As Dooku lies in wait, the storyline bogs down while Obi Wan and Anakin play a game of “What’s that smell", frequently checking their shoes to determine the source of that Stinky odor. They discover about halfway through this septic system of a plot that it’s the writing!

Furthermore, Lucas tried to pay homage to everything and everyone in this flick. A scene reminiscent of “Brokeback Mountain” was designed to show us how close Anakin and Obi Wan had become over the years, but the intimacy of that scene falls flat after Yoda staggers in drunk, with a holo-recorder. Obviously, Lucas has no reverence for his characters, preferring to prostitute them shamelessly for a quick buck.

Although the scene of Anakin and Obi Wan trying to infiltrate Dooku’s stronghold disguised as clowns and walking in on a mime convention was hilarious, it still never rose to the level of Hans Solo’s, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” They did use that same line countless times, including during the film credits at the beginning the film, however it seemed to lose its effect after a while. Other lame attempts at humor such as, “I smell Dooku,” and the retort, “Well, I didn’t step in it,” left a lot to be desired.

The Clown Wars shamelessly rips off other animated documentaries chronicling the cosmic clown conflict, such as “Tripping the Rift” and “Futurama”…but I usually like that in a film. All in all, I felt this film was simply an hour and half long advertisement for the animated television series coming this fall. While I do not expect it to last the entire three-year run of the actual Clown War, it may find a niche in a time-slot opposite “Lost”. Otherwise, unless the actors lose their “big heads” and the director lets Samuel L. Jackson’s character cuss up a storm, this series has about as much chance as an Ewok in Wookietown.

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