Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Righteous Kill: Reviewed by A Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

I don’t know what the big deal is with all the hype surrounding the pairing of these two former screen tough guys. Both were pretty young when they were in the “Godfather II” together, long before they developed the kind of bad habits that landed them in a film like this. They generated marginally more heat than two wet sticks being rubbed together when they appeared in “Heat”, but this time, they couldn’t even get a fire going with a BIC lighter and a gallon of gasoline. I could see this ending coming a mile away…and I didn’t even SEE the flick. But, I’ve seen the trailers, listened to the voice-overs and recall the catch phrase: “Some people respect the law, but everyone respects the gun.” Yeah, well nobody respects a rip-off.

What we have here are two jaded, veteran actors playing two jaded, veteran cops who just won’t retire. Sound familiar? Well, it should, and if you insert original names like “Turk” and “Rooster”, you’ve got a regurgitated script that tries to pass itself off as original. The plot? Well, I don’t know if you can really call it a “plot”, but the premise is Turk is under investigation for going all Death-Wish-Charles- Bronson-Style on some street scum that have escaped the justice system. Meanwhile, Rooster is misdirecting the audience under the guise of backing up his long-time partner. But, you can see the butler did it before you’re halfway through this Robitussin fueled thriller. At first I thought it was Curtis Jackson a.k.a. 50 Cent, but they didn’t use give him near enough to do in this flick for that to be the case. So by the process of elimination, it became obvious the real shooter was…aw, come on, you already know.

I love these guys, but rather than being dragged through a by-the-numbers plot, punctuated by standard misdirection and false leads, I think I’d rather watch one of their old flicks instead. If you can imagine what a botched up mess a script for “A Taxi Driver Named Serpico” would have been back in the 70’s, do not walk, but RUN away from any theater showing this unholy union. We’re not talking “The Usual Suspects” here, and after the “Dark Knight”, you couldn’t destroy enough sets for this movie to jack up our endorphins past, “mundane”. I suppose at the end, you could discover that Turk was really dead, or that Soylent Green was people, but somehow I doubt it. Not only do I not know whodunit, but I don’t give a f**k. That’s why I didn’t even bother to see the flick. Still, I give it two bug-squishing thumbs down on general principle and the remote possibility that it might contain scenes of nudity involving one or both of the stars. And that just ain’t right.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

OPRAH DEFIES BOYCOTT: Reviewed By A Guy Who's Never Even Watched Oprah

The Florida Federation of Republican women plan on boycotting the Oprah Winfrey show for refusing to have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election. Already a pariah for supporting Obama over Hillary during the primaries, Oprah finds her female fan-base rapidly diminishing. Consequently, Oprah has plans to replace her core demographics with male viewers.

When asked how she intends to attract men to her afternoon show, the television Queen smiled demurely and said, “I have a couple of ideas that have been bouncing around. I asked myself what men want to see and I plopped a couple of those ideas on the table. One or two may fall out of favor with a handful of women, but I’m sure the men will continue to tune in. I think they’ll be pleased when they see the hefty set of issues I’ve got for them.”

When asked if he intended to start watching Oprah, one male remarked, “Well I have to say she made a couple of huge points with me. I never watched Oprah before, but given her unabashed support for Obama plus a very nice pair of humanitarian projects, I’m more than willing to give her a chance.”

Some women’s groups see Oprah as pandering to her male fan-base, which is ironic considering she is being boycotted for NOT pandering to them. However they point to Oprah’s association with a political action group called Barack Obama and Oprah Block Sarah (BOOBS) as the undermining force behind the ostracizing of Sarah Palin. But a BOOBS spokesman read from a prepared statement. “Oprah Winfrey overcame tremendous challenges to become one of the most successful women ever in the world of media. Her charitable projects are too numerous to list. To boycott her show for refusal to have Sarah Palin as a guest will ring as hollow as the boycott she endured for not having rappers on her show. Until Rush Limbaugh consents to have Ice Cube on to discuss his NWA days, we will consider Oprah’s refusal to be politically bullied something we can relate to.”

The BOOBS spokesman hoped that as a confident, liberated woman with a great sense of humor, the ultra-wealthy Ms. Winfrey wouldn't have him hunted down and killed like the others who have displeased the Queen. He added that Oprah is an icon, not only among women but all people. The fact that she has a nice pair of howitzers just makes her “all that and a bag of chips.”