Monday, April 12, 2010

The Top Five Ways to Live “Happily Ever After” in Tonight’s LOST

In a sideways reality somewhere in the time-space continuum, disillusioned, aspiring writers Cuse and Lindelof are living in their parents’ basements; they are imagining lives writing for a popular television show and living happily ever after. Little do they realize, just down the block, the crazy dude with the garden gnomes in his front yard (“Old Man Abrams”) is building a thermonuclear device in his garage. Casually knocking a cylinder containing a critical mass of uranium into the body of the device...with a rock...he accidentally sets off a nuclear explosion. It hurls the entire block into an alternate reality...except for some juvenile named “Donnie Darko” (and his pet bunny with an "8" painted on the side) who is blown clear and into an even more confusing reality with time loops and tangent universes. His future isn't that cheery, but, in THIS universe, there are five ways to living happily ever after...until the universe collapses.

5) After a week of more pictures than previews regarding this upcoming episode, it’s apparent that Desmond is going to be attacked by metal donuts. Either that or irradiated by electromagnetic coils. Hurled back in time by the manipulation of dark forces unique to the Island, Desmond arrives 4 years ago and replaces himself in The Hatch. “Are you HIM, Brutha?” he asks...himself...after his arrival. “It be me, Mate!” he answers...himself. So the “past” Desmond gleefully packs his things and sails off the Island, leaving “future” Des to push that damned button again and shoot up on medication designed to moderate the side effects of time travel.

Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the medicine is hallucinating people in bunny costumes...but that’s only until “he” arrives from uptime to replace himself. Again. Meanwhile, “past” Desmond returns home to Penny, and lives happily ever after, provided an airline engine from a tangent universe doesn't crash into his boat.

4) It’s been several weeks since Jack has actually destroyed anything, so chances are he’s overdue. The new Jack may have found “faith” but without a “Frank the Bunny” character like Donnie Darko had to visit him from time to time, he’s still a very lonely boy. With Juliet out of the question after that nuclear mishap and nothing really left for Jack to smash or blow-up, his only hope is to pry Kate from Sawyer’s cold, manipulating fingertips. And all that’s left to destroy is Sawyer’s reputation.

Sneaking into Smokie’s camp while”it” and Sawyer are away, he works on Kate with his vastly improved bedside manner. “So...uh...I hear Sawyer is Smokie’s right-hand man these days, eh? Either that or errand boy. No, no, I’m not hating on Sawyer! Ahem! Guess he’s off cleaning up Smokie’s mess back at the Temple. Whew, all those bodies get pretty ripe in this heat. He’ll probably want to come back and get a little "afternoon delight" to unwind, know what I mean? Probably won’t even have time to shower. What? You’d rather come over to Camp Hydra? Well, I dunno...we’re pretty full up…we’d have to bunk together, you know...” And they live happily ever after. Until they're written out of existence by one of the show's resident Time Lords.

3) Sayid is the Joe Btfsplk of Losties (Google him). Without Nadia, the only things that make him happy anymore are chaos and mayhem. Death and destruction. Laurel and Hardy…but only if he can torture them. He simply takes no joy in the small things anymore. The man hasn’t had a decent, full-sized shirt since he’s been on the Island, and that “wife-beater” style t-shirt screams “meth-lab” louder than “why can’t we be friends”. If “Frank the Bunny” even showed up, Sayid would shoot him in the eye. The only thing that would make Sayid happy is the death of every damned supernatural entity on that freaking Island.

So, while out wandering around like a zombie, Sayid accidentally stumbles upon an equipment stash left behind by Dharma. A proponent of the theory, “Everything can be killed or at the very least, screwed up beyond repair,” Sayid digs a deep pit and suspends a giant concrete plug from a tree directly over it. His plan is to drop Sawyer’s unconscious body into the pit and when Smokie climbs down to retrieve him, plug the hole and trap ‘em both. If it works out better than his “paint a tunnel entrance on the side of a hill” plan….Sayid will live happily ever after. If not, then like Joe Btfsplk, there’s a dark cloud in his immediate future. But, once that cloud consumes his soul, it's smooth sailing...

2)Hurley already IS living happily ever after. After spending years in a mental institution because he could see dead people, he’s finally accepted by his peers with no one trying to convince him he’s crazy. Although he’s occasionally annoyed by dead people like “Frank the Bunny”, at least Locke isn't bugging him (yet), he’s got no daily responsibilities and a plentiful food supply in an exotic setting. Plus, no one is nagging him to lose weight. Not exactly the most ambitious rat in the pack, Hurley only bought Mr. Cluck’s Chicken Shack for revenge. He didn’t even turn it into brothel...and with a name like that! Unless the Island is completely destroyed, Hurley will continue to live happily ever after, no matter what happens, and probably move into Jacob’s old condo by the sea. The downside to that is dead people are always dropping in unexpected.

1) What would make Ben live happily ever after? All that Ben wants is the Island, so after a short formal courtship, Ben and the Island can marry, settle down and raise a bunch of little Smoke Monsters: let’s see, there’s Grendel , Cthulhu and Cerberus the triplets. But, career success and family alone does not qualify as “happily ever after” for a serial scoundrel like Ben. Only when he can stand on the beach watching arch-enemy Widmore’s submarine sail away and tell the Island, “Release the Kraken!” will his idyllic happy ending be possible. “Frank the Bunny” patting him on the shoulder saying, “Now THAT’S closure, Dude!” is just gravy.

Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.
You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any of this material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.

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