Thursday, May 13, 2010

LOST Finale Leaked from Sideways Universe

Taking out the proverbial "4th wall", the camera first shows a wide open, bloodshot eye with a finger in it, accompanied by the sound of a fan screaming in agony. Then it pans out to reveal the menacing figure of the Smoke Monster hovering over the remaining Losties. Jack steps forward. “We’re going to stop you, you monster!” Jack says.

“Whaaaat?” snarls the Smoke Monster. “YOU stop ME? With what? A scruffy beard and surly attitude? You’re toast...just like your original fate was in the pilot episode, Jack!” And with that, The Smoke Monster slams Jack into the sand, leaving a dent with a full body imprint before flicking sand over the inert body like a cat in a liter box. “BWA-HAA-HAA-HAAA! Fix that, Doc!”

Kate steps forward. “Oh no you didn't! You’ve gone and hacked me off now, Monster. You just killed my true love!”

“Whaaaaat?” asks Sawyer, perplexed. I mean, come on, Freckles. We’ve done the horizontal bop since we got here. You and Jack had that off-Island thing, but that ended as badly as everything else Jack does.”

“SILENCE!” bellows the Monster, shaking the trees. “Cease your infernal bickering, you hormonally driven side-kicks. You, Kate, were supposed to be the hero of this thing, but for the past few seasons, your character has disintegrated into the hypotenuse of a dysfunctional love triangle from hell. You serve no further purpose!” With that, the Monster, slings her around in a tight circle then tosses her far out to sea. “Let’s see how long you can tread water in those tight jeans, fish-bait. AH-HA-HAA-HAAA!”

Sawyer steps forward. “Listen here you big mass of intestinal gas, I’m not afraid of you. I'm taking you down, Mr. Stay Puff!”

“Whaaaaat?” snickers the Monster. “Mr. Stay Puff? Isn't that’s what you called Hurley the first season?"


"Sure you did. Season one, episode....10?"

" head!"

"You retweeting your old, wiseass remarks, Rerun?” But, Sawyer furiously denies previous use of the clever description and while he’s distracted thinking of another, the column of smoke forms an enormous fist behind his back and smashes him into a tree. “Enough of your inane nicknames, pancake-boy. Begone! BWA-HAAA-HAAAA!”

Hurley, remaining conspicuously alone, tries to back away nonchalantly. Quickly, the Smoke Monster cuts him off. He tries a new direction and the Monster circles him, cutting him off again. “Dude, I don’t have a dog in this fight...”

“Shut the hell up, Ghost-Whisperer. For six years, I’ve been trying to determine what your actual purpose is. Now I think I know. It’s TO DIE with the rest of the meddling Scooby Doo come closer so I don’t have to drag your fat ass all the way over here."

“Naw, I don’t think I’ll be doing that...Dude.”

“Whaaaaat?” asks the Monster, somewhat irritated as Hurley shows a rare defiance. Suddenly, the column of smoke simmers then changes, morphing into the one thing Hurley cannot resist. “Scooby Snack?” the Smoke Monster asks as it manifests the illusion of that scrumptious delicacy.

“Ruh Roh!! Well, I could eat...” Hurley steps forward...and is immediately set upon by the Monster, who strains to lift him before giving up and just dropping a huge boulder on his head.

“Damn, it’s been six years and you still weigh as much as a minivan! I’m curious, though. Now that you’re dead, can you SEE YOURSELF? HA-HAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!!!”

Bellowing in triumph like Godzilla, The Smoke Monster does a short victory dance until he hears, “Forget about me, Brutha?” The Monster spins around.
”Who dat? Who dere?”

“It’s me...Desmond”. The Monster pauses for a few seconds, pondering.

“And you arrrrreeee...who?”

“I’m the guy who was in the Hatch pushing the button for three years.“

“Oooooh, yeah! The sap in the hole. Who knew all it took was a $5 quarantine sign to hold you captive? Seriously, I thought you were long gone.”

“Funny story...I was living on a boat with my wife and kid when Ben traveled through time and space and tried to kill, Penny...then Widmire kidnapped me and...”

“Booooooring!” the Smoke Monster cuts him off. “Why should I not...I dunno...eviscerate you and make haggis or something?”

“Because if you do, you’ll never get off this Island.” Suddenly there’s silence. The Smoke Monster ceases its roiling and sends a tendril with inches of Desmond’s face.

“Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Desmond?”

“I suggest we take that sailboat over there and sail to the Sideways Universe," says Desmond calmly.

"I see. Sort of a reverse River Styx kind of thing," muses the Smoke Monster.

"Why invent mythology when you can rip one off?"

"True that," laughed the Smoke Monster, tossing a copy of "The Third Policeman" into the jungle. "All that, and it's about a freaking bicycle..." he remarked, apparently about the book.

"Can you please pay attention," Desmond gets a little impatient.

"Oh, sorry. What then?" The Smoke Monster gets back with the program.

"Once we get to the outside world, we’ll create a television show, pitch it to JJ Abrams and you’ll live in syndication forever! BWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!” cackled Desmond.

“You’re scaring me here, Des...but that’s a brilliant plan! So, let’s get the hell out of Dodge, Scotty!” Smokie makes a move towards the boat, then stops. “Um...can you carry me? I’ve got a thing about water,” he says submissively.

“Yeah, I heard about that. Not only that, Brutha, but you’ve got to change into something more presentable. I mean, how do you plan on blending in being all smokey and stuff?”

“Oh, I see your point. How’s this?” With that, the Smoke Monster changes into Carlton Cuse.

“Better, but how about the less goofy one?” suggests Desmond.

The Smoke Monster ponders this for a moment. “Six of one, half dozen of the other, ain't it...but, OK, how’s THIS?” as he changes into Damon Lindelof.


"Does this ego make my head look fat?"

“It'll have to do,” notes Desmond. "Just let me turn this Frozen Donkey Wheel back to 2004 and we’ll be on our way.”


"Just trust me. I know where we're going."

"I think I heard that somewhere circa 2004, as a matter of fact," muttered Smokey/Lindelof. As the two make their way to the sailboat, he asks Desmond, “’s this damned story supposed to end anyway?”

Desmond smirks. “It doesn’t...all we have to do is flash the show’s logo across the screen after the finale and the fans will spend the rest of eternity trying to make sense of it all in a self-imposed literary purgatory!”

“Genius!" screams Smokey/Lindelof. ”And to think they call ME evil...”

“You ARE evil, Brutha. And it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood! With any luck, we'll be in the Sideways world by Tuesday night.”

"And what are we going to do Tuesday night, Des?" asked Smokey/Lindelof.

"The same thing we'll do every Tuesday night, Smokey.....try and take over the world! Without the risk of copyright infringement."

--------------------------------THE END (Part 1 of infinity)------------------------

Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any of this material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.


Anonymous said...

Apparently parody is the only way to satisfactorily tie everything together in the finel.

Anonymous said...

This makes about as much sense as the original show.