LOST Fans Versus The Others

As this series limps to a conclusion, some fans are abandoning "The Faith" faster than Locke-Thing loses recruits. There's a war coming, alright. And TMZ may have fired the first shot.

LOST--"The Last Recruit": C'mon! Is It Really the Last?

The Island isn't Purgatory. But wait, Michael's ghost can't escape. There is no time travel. But, then let's introduce a character named Faraday and make it all about time travel. Given that track record, one may be skeptical if the last recruit really IS the last one. What are the odds?

Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.
You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any written material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.

Ben in an Alternate Universe

In hindsight, it might appear that Ben has made some questionable judgement calls when it comes to his dealings with the Flight 815 crash survivors. But what if Ben had been...more transparent? Sagaciouspenguin's take in cartoon form puts it all in perspective.

A Second Opinion with Doc Jensen

As LOST grinds down to the final episodes, a bucketful of information from Doc Jensen just might fill you up...in case, like me, you never saw the episode, "Everyone Loves Hurley".

Hecklerspray Deconstructs"Happily Ever After"

If living "Happily Ever After" is LOST's goal, Hecklerspray begs to differ.

The Top Five Ways to Live “Happily Ever After” in Tonight’s LOST

In a sideways reality somewhere in the time-space continuum, disillusioned, aspiring writers Cuse and Lindelof are living in their parents’ basements; they are imagining lives writing for a popular television show and living happily ever after. Little do they realize, just down the block, the crazy dude with the garden gnomes in his front yard (“Old Man Abrams”) is building a thermonuclear device in his garage. Casually knocking a cylinder containing a critical mass of uranium into the body of the device...with a rock...he accidentally sets off a nuclear explosion. It hurls the entire block into an alternate reality...except for some juvenile named “Donnie Darko” (and his pet bunny with an "8" painted on the side) who is blown clear and into an even more confusing reality with time loops and tangent universes. His future isn't that cheery, but, in THIS universe, there are five ways to living happily ever after...until the universe collapses.

5) After a week of more pictures than previews regarding this upcoming episode, it’s apparent that Desmond is going to be attacked by metal donuts. Either that or irradiated by electromagnetic coils. Hurled back in time by the manipulation of dark forces unique to the Island, Desmond arrives 4 years ago and replaces himself in The Hatch. “Are you HIM, Brutha?” he asks...himself...after his arrival. “It be me, Mate!” he answers...himself. So the “past” Desmond gleefully packs his things and sails off the Island, leaving “future” Des to push that damned button again and shoot up on medication designed to moderate the side effects of time travel.

Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the medicine is hallucinating people in bunny costumes...but that’s only until “he” arrives from uptime to replace himself. Again. Meanwhile, “past” Desmond returns home to Penny, and lives happily ever after, provided an airline engine from a tangent universe doesn't crash into his boat.

4) It’s been several weeks since Jack has actually destroyed anything, so chances are he’s overdue. The new Jack may have found “faith” but without a “Frank the Bunny” character like Donnie Darko had to visit him from time to time, he’s still a very lonely boy. With Juliet out of the question after that nuclear mishap and nothing really left for Jack to smash or blow-up, his only hope is to pry Kate from Sawyer’s cold, manipulating fingertips. And all that’s left to destroy is Sawyer’s reputation.

Sneaking into Smokie’s camp while he...um...”it” and Sawyer are away, he works on Kate with his vastly improved bedside manner. “So...uh...I hear Sawyer is Smokie’s right-hand man these days, eh? Either that or errand boy. No, no, I’m not hating on Sawyer! Ahem! Guess he’s off cleaning up Smokie’s mess back at the Temple. Whew, all those bodies get pretty ripe in this heat. He’ll probably want to come back and get a little "afternoon delight" to unwind, know what I mean? Probably won’t even have time to shower. What? You’d rather come over to Camp Hydra? Well, I dunno...we’re pretty full up…we’d have to bunk together, you know...” And they live happily ever after. Until they're written out of existence by one of the show's resident Time Lords.

3) Sayid is the Joe Btfsplk of Losties (Google him). Without Nadia, the only things that make him happy anymore are chaos and mayhem. Death and destruction. Laurel and Hardy…but only if he can torture them. He simply takes no joy in the small things anymore. The man hasn’t had a decent, full-sized shirt since he’s been on the Island, and that “wife-beater” style t-shirt screams “meth-lab” louder than “why can’t we be friends”. If “Frank the Bunny” even showed up, Sayid would shoot him in the eye. The only thing that would make Sayid happy is the death of every damned supernatural entity on that freaking Island.

So, while out wandering around like a zombie, Sayid accidentally stumbles upon an equipment stash left behind by Dharma. A proponent of the theory, “Everything can be killed or at the very least, screwed up beyond repair,” Sayid digs a deep pit and suspends a giant concrete plug from a tree directly over it. His plan is to drop Sawyer’s unconscious body into the pit and when Smokie climbs down to retrieve him, plug the hole and trap ‘em both. If it works out better than his “paint a tunnel entrance on the side of a hill” plan….Sayid will live happily ever after. If not, then like Joe Btfsplk, there’s a dark cloud in his immediate future. But, once that cloud consumes his soul, it's smooth sailing...

2)Hurley already IS living happily ever after. After spending years in a mental institution because he could see dead people, he’s finally accepted by his peers with no one trying to convince him he’s crazy. Although he’s occasionally annoyed by dead people like “Frank the Bunny”, at least Locke isn't bugging him (yet), he’s got no daily responsibilities and a plentiful food supply in an exotic setting. Plus, no one is nagging him to lose weight. Not exactly the most ambitious rat in the pack, Hurley only bought Mr. Cluck’s Chicken Shack for revenge. He didn’t even turn it into brothel...and with a name like that! Unless the Island is completely destroyed, Hurley will continue to live happily ever after, no matter what happens, and probably move into Jacob’s old condo by the sea. The downside to that is dead people are always dropping in unexpected.

1) What would make Ben live happily ever after? All that Ben wants is the Island, so after a short formal courtship, Ben and the Island can marry, settle down and raise a bunch of little Smoke Monsters: let’s see, there’s Grendel , Cthulhu and Cerberus the triplets. But, career success and family alone does not qualify as “happily ever after” for a serial scoundrel like Ben. Only when he can stand on the beach watching arch-enemy Widmore’s submarine sail away and tell the Island, “Release the Kraken!” will his idyllic happy ending be possible. “Frank the Bunny” patting him on the shoulder saying, “Now THAT’S closure, Dude!” is just gravy.




Writing copyright Jack Lee© 2010.
You may not copy or otherwise reproduce any of this material without prior written permission. All rights reserved.

Hecklerspray Reviews Ab Aetero

No everyone watches LOST the same way. Here's a view from the other side of the mirror

The Five Steps to How Richard Alpert “LOST” His Religion

Hell is in the mind, not a place, at least according to LOST episode, “Ab Aeterno”. Sure, Richard Alpert certainly journeyed through some hellacious places in his back story, but the telling exchange between Alpert and The Man-in-Black in response to the question, “Is this Hell?” followed by, “Yes,” leads one to believe that Hell may be more of a state of mind than an actual location. And It has to be a little unsettling for a group of people sitting around the camp fire on a mysterious Island with its very own Smoke Monster to hear an ageless man blurt out, “We’re in HEEEEEEEELLLLL!! And we’re all dead….you…and you…and YOU! Dead! Did you hear me? DEAD!!!”

You could almost hear U-2’s “Losing My Religion” playing in the background of that scene. But, before that mental meltdown, what exactly contributed to Richard Alpert losing his religion? Following is the five step process to Alpert losing his religion.

5) Lack of adequate, affordable health care: Apparently, this concept is as ageless as Alpert himself. Your wife is dying, so you ride half a day’s distance in the pouring rain only to be rejected because your credit card has inadequate funds and you're bartering for treatment. Not only that, but the doctor totally lacks people skills or empathy, and refuses to provide medical care.

Running out of options, you do what most of us would like to do in a desperate situation like that…kill that son-of-a-bitch. OK, make it look like an accident and ride home with the prescription, but then it’s too late. If Alpert didn’t lose his religion right then, it’s only because he lost faith in the health care system first. But, the law enforcement system appears to be on the ball...

4) Lack of spiritual support from your religious institution: In one’s time of need, it is generally accepted that comfort can be found in your religious institution ….unless you’ve got a priest like poor Alpert. It’s bad enough that you’re in prison, waiting to be hanged, but to have your spiritual leader look down at you and tell you to, “go to Hell” has GOT to suck.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, he steals your Bible. That’s would be enough to make most people lose their religion on the spot, but not Alpert. Oh, no, he’s a real glutton for punishment. Besides, he let a perfectly good opportunity to scream, "I'll see you in Hell," slip by.

3) Being sold into slavery: That's what is termed being a "contract worker" in this century. Granted, it beats the sh*t out of hanging…well, at least theoretically after you’ve been told by reasonable authority that you’re going to Hell when you die. Talk about a dark cloud hanging over your head that’ll probably affect the quality of your work. But, then it gets worst. After being shipwrecked (i.e. in an "economic downturn") , the Boss comes down and starts laying off your co-worker’s with a sword. “Consider yourselves retired, suckers!”

It’s bad enough being unemployed, but you’re still on that express elevator to Hell, remember? At that very instant, any religion most people had left would evaporate into a mindless stream of babbling and begging for their lives. So it was with Alpert. But somehow, even that unfortunate incident didn’t completely make him lose his religion. Apparently there was an opening in the file room...

2) Slowly dying, chained in the hole of a banged up ship: They call that "survivor's guilt" in the corporate world. Surviving a lay-off, no food or water, a mysterious Black Smoke killing off upper management willy-nilly and watching wild boars eating your shipmates generally precedes the exasperated cry, “There is no God,” but Alpert is still hanging in there. Literally.

So to further shake things up, the ghost of your dead wife shows up telling you that you’re both in Hell…before screaming as the Devil drags her off. That’s pretty much my limit, but I digress. Granted the day can’t get much worst, but then a Man-In-Black shows up and verifies that, yes, you’re in Hell. Then he offers you a job and frees you so that you can go and kill The Devil. Hey, at least it’s work.

1) Having someone kill your Guru: Meet the new boss, not quite the same as the old boss. After making a leap of faith to a new Company, you've become the boss's right-hand man. And thanks to a case of immortality, you might actually be able to retire. It's a pretty decent life (especially after what you've been through), advising tourists in your tropical paradise. Life isn’t perfect but it beats the hell out of going to Hell.

Your new Guru promises to reveal the corporate plan to you in return for your faithful service. All you have to do is wait…and wait…and wait. So, you pass the time popping up out of nowhere when people call for you like some kind of cosmic camp counselor. Get your amusement where you can because any day now, you’re going to know the secret to the universe and everything and then…AW CRAP. THEY KILLED KENNY! Those bastards have finally blown your little mind to smithereens. And they actually have the freaking nerve to start asking you questions about what to do next? That high-pitched noise is the sound of you screaming....

Thus is the five step program Richard Alpert took to lose his religion. It can work for you too. There is little wonder after everything Alpert has been through, he finally loses it and storms off into the jungle. He didn't even take the box full of his office contents. But, you have to give the old boy credit. Most of us would be toast at Step 1.

The Top Five Origins of Richard Alpert in Tonight’s LOST: "Ab Aeterno"

After getting conned again in last week’s ”Recon”, this week’s back story promises to move the curtain back on the “nature of the Island” question and reveal the man-who-never-ages behind it. And after that guest appearance by Dick Clark, the focus of the story shifts to Richard Alpert. After six years of wondering who in the hell this Goth eyeliner wearing character really is, the answer is nigh. Following are the five top possible origins of Richard Alpert.

5) The son of a make-up tycoon, Richard is restless and trying to make his own name in the 1800’s eye-liner industry. Seeking a new, dazzling kind of eye-liner to set him apart from the rest, he one day incorporates the fluorescence from watch dials into the formulation….with disastrous results. Fleeing for his life from hoards of accidentally blinded clients (fortunately zig-zagging thwarts blind pursuit), he seizes a mining ship in port and escapes.

While at sea, he notices a mysterious green glow on the horizon and instructs the crew to set sail towards it. Figuring he can redeem his shattered reputation by discovering a new, glow-in-the-dark substance to use in his eye-liner compositions, he instead discovers the Island. Unfortunately, the Smoke Monster wrecks his ride and eats his crew, leaving him the sole survivor…because Smokey is so lonely. Even though he doesn’t look like it, Richard really does age; he’s simply very, very good with make-up, albeit a little too heavy on the liner.

4) Richard, a Moor, came to the Island as a slave on a mining ship called the Black Rock. Tired of his obsessive singing of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” in the hold, the crew releases him into the wild and hunts him down for sport. While fleeing his pursuers, he accidently falls through a hole in the ground into the Fountain of Youth where he discovers Ponce de Leon living the life of a hermit.

Gaining eternal youth and living in the ruins of an ancient temple, Richard outlives his former captives. But, the problem with immortality is it gets boring, plus Ponce just won’t shut the hell up. Finally convincing Ponce to set sail for the mythical “Island of Big Busted Women”, Richard finds himself alone with his thoughts….until the U.S. army shows up shortly after WW2, keeping a lot of noise, knocking stuff over. On the positive side, you can hunt boar better with M1s than spears.

3) Richard and four friends are in a hot tub drinking Red Bull and vodka in the year 2525 (Dick Clark is still alive, but Leno didn’t survive…but I digress) when the hot tub magically transports them to the year...37 AD. Captured by Romans, Richard and friends are taken to the Coliseum in Rome where they are paired off against each other in the arena for the perverse entertainment of the Senate. Richard (being the only person from 2525 that actually did ANY physical activity) easily defeats his fellow time travelers and is spared by Claudius, the physically handicapped future Emperor and uncle of Caligula. Unfortunately, Richard changes the past by encouraging Claudius and others to, “kill that crazy son-of-a-bitch Caligula now”…which causes a disruption in the time-line, hurling Richard into Limbo.

There, he is sentenced to a thousand years hard "time" for "use of an unauthorized time travel device." After being forced to watch reruns of “Gilligan’s Island” for millennia as punishment, Richard’s mind, warped beyond comprehension, mentally constructs a mysterious Island with people called The Others, a Smoke Monster, crashed planes, a nuclear bomb, polar bears and a plot. He comes to J.J. Abrams in a dream to pitch the show, magically releasing him from Limbo and into syndication.

2) Richard is the teen-aged friend of an eccentric professor he calls “Doc” in 1985, who both travel to the future in a Delorean. After observing the wonders of the far future, they accidentally collide with Biff driving a time-traveling space-ship disguised as an Island...but asleep at the Frozen Donkey Wheel. They both over-correct and overshoot the present, landing in the far past.

While the simmering animosity between Biff and Doc eventually boils over into murder most foul after a few hundred years, Richard Mc Fly finds the Island life to his liking until taller Dharma people start showing up. He then solicits Ben to handle that little problem...

1) Richard is in a van with 3 other teen-agers and a dog when they take a wrong turn into a mysterious fog and end up on a tropical Island. There, they find Ben ruling a tribe of Others by fear of a thing in the jungle they call “The Smoke Monster”. Richard’s friend Freddy is reasonably sure the Smoke Monster is just Ben in a rubber mask. But, when he attempts to remove any mask, the cohesive mass of dark smoke gets really pissed and slams the teens into trees one by one, consuming their souls (including the annoying, mutated, talking dog who final words are “Ruh, Roh”). Richard escapes by claiming his soul is not kosher, after figuring out The Monster is out of the Old Testament.