Dave Chappelle: Alive and Translated (by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Show)

Dave Chappelle got the biggest contract in Comedy Central history then went missing in action. What's up with that dude?

Dave Chappelle: I'm not crazy; I'm not smoking crack.

Translation: Contrary to popular conjecture, I am much too rich to risk my sanity with mundane drugs like that.

Chappelle: I'm definitely stressed out.
Translation: BUGS! BUGS!! EVERYWHERE!!! ALL OVER ME!!!!!!!!

Chappelle: There were things that overwhelmed me. But not in the way that people are saying.
Translation: No, I was much more f**ked up than that.

Chappelle: I haven't spent any of the money. All that stuff about partying and taking crack is not true.
Translation: The only crack I’ve seen in the last month is a picture of Jennifer Lopez in a swimsuit.

Chappelle: Why do I live on a farm in Ohio? To support my partying lifestyle?
Translation: Have I introduced you to Hannah, my favorite sheep?

Chappelle: Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh.
Translation: I can also get cholera, diphtheria, and malaria plus be eaten by a lion. DAMN, it doesn’t get much better than this!

Chappelle: I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here.
Translation: Where…where the hell am I?

Chappelle: You hear so many voices jockeying for position in your mind that you want to make sure that you hear your own voice.
Translation: Hello? Hello? Anybody home?

Chappelle: So I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone — stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as the brakes.
Translation: So guess what I used to shift gears?

Chappelle: If you don't have the right people around you, and you're moving at a million miles an hour, you can lose yourself.
Translation: You can also experience time dilation and a corresponding increase in mass and….um…..damn, I lost my train of thought.

Chappelle: Everyone around me says, 'You're a genius, you're great, that's your voice,' but I'm not sure that they're right. ... You got to be careful of the company you keep.
Translation: Lately, I’ve been getting all of Michael Jackson’s hangers on.

Chappelle: One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.
Translation: Funny how your friends’ tastes increase proportionally to YOUR income.

Chappelle: I want to make sure I'm dancing and not shuffling.
Translation: And those Amos and Andy reruns I was watching started f**king with my head.

Chappelle: Whatever decisions I make right now I'm going to have to live with. Your soul is priceless.
Translation: MY soul, on the other hand, is worth $50 million dollars, suckers!

Chappelle: I have trust issues. I saw some stuff in myself that I just didn't dig. ... There were some things about myself that I didn't like.
Translation: In retrospect, I suppose my humor has been just demeaning and crass. I’m cool with that, but when I ran out of Richard Pryor material to rip off, I just panicked.

Chappelle: When I get back, [I hope] everything will be up and running, or we'll make other arrangements.
Translation: But, I’m keeping the money…BITCH!

2005’s Most Over-Exposed People

Dave Chappelle: Not only was Dave Chappelle crowned a comedy genius by borrowing Flip Wilson's act, but he also borrowed from Chris Rock who borrowed from Eddie Murphy who stole it from Richard Pryor in the first place. One can justifiably say that rather than listen to Chappelle rehash old routines overdone three times over, it would be a lot funnier getting Pryor on the Ouija Board.

Then, ironically, Chappelle had the chance to might make more money this year than all three of the others put together. And I'm talking about the major news anchors. The least he could do was look less bored himself while he’s making a mint. But, as it turned out, he failed to deliver the new season on time back in February and by May, he was hiding out in South Africa somewhere. Leaving millions behind to flee to South Africa? OK, that's either crazy or stone cold serious!

Jennifer Lopez: First she hooked up with a record producer to jumpstart her music career, then a choreographer to help her live act, then an actor to help her entry into film. She eventually had to settle for a singer whose best days went out with the 1990’s. Just what else can J. Lo possibly use to hold us hostage? Unfortunately, her butt became as morbidly fascinating as train wreck when she wore that dress missing the material in the back a few years ago. Admittedly, there was a time when it was interesting to watch her deconstruct the lives and careers of the men in her life, but unless Mark Anthony plans on doing an adaptation of “Julius Caesar,” he’s probably safe for the moment.

Bill Clinton: Just three words for you Bill: Not President Anymore. You’re like a date that won’t go home. Dinner is over, and hey, thanks to Monica even the sex is over. Now GO HOME! It’s not that we don’t like you, but let’s put it this way: you were the class of ’92 and we’re the class of ’05. We’ve seen your trophies in the trophy case and they’ve even retired your jersey number. But, you can’t lead us to state anymore. So quit hanging around outside the gym and sucking up to the camera. It’s starting to creep us all out.

Saddam Hussein: After a year of captivity, a word of advice to Saddam’s handlers: put him back in the spider hole. At least when he was on the loose, there was this illusion of menace. If the U.S. Army would practice ‘catch and release’ tactics, at least we’d still have the chase. As it stands, we’ve got a sociopath who just won’t play along with the “broken man” script like he’s supposed to. Without menace or relevant defiance, he’s just another convict, and face it: crazy Charles Manson is still more interesting in a sick sort of way.

Dan Rather: Most people were bored with Dan all the way back in the 80’s. OK, there was that incident where he got pummeled to the tune of “what’s the frequency, Kenneth”. Nobody really believed that, but Dan Rather getting beat up for any reason was amusing for a while. But, waiting in vain for the inevitable fistfight between Dan and Geraldo Rivera to manifest, we’ve grown weary of waiting and bid Dan, adieu.

The Olsen Twins: Well, the jokes about them coming of ‘age’ are old now and the truth of the matter is, who in their right mind would care about these two coming of age? The entire spectator sport of watching the Olsen Twins age was about as exciting as watching the ball drop in Times Square. Once it happens….then what? If we actually expected their expressions to change, then we certainly got ripped on that. There’s nothing more boring than celebrities that bore themselves. Even Bulimia and drug addiction are boring now that everybody’s been in rehab in Hollywood. Only the spectacle of a murder trial will liven the Olsen Twins up and only if one of them is a serial killer.

Hostage: Review By Some Guy Who Slept Through The Flick

It’s been so long since anyone last heard from Bruce Willis, Hollywood put his picture on a milk carton as a missing person. Bruce’s last quasi-successful feature, “Unbreakable”, broke the back of his string of box office blockbusters and left him at the mercy of snoozers like “The Whole Ten Yards” and…others we’ve mercifully forgotten. In the past five years, Willis’ career as an action star has died hard, and it doesn’t take a sixth sense to see he needed an action hit and fast to pull a quick U-turn on his career path.

The premise of “Hostage” involves three delinquent teenagers following a family home intending to steal their SUV. Naturally, that would take about three minutes of movie time, so it’s obvious something…goes…wrong. We’re led to believe the teens end up trapped in a multi-million dollar compound on the outskirts of town with no way to escape, panicking and taking the family hostage. So, who you gonna call?

Well, as luck would have it, Jeff Talley (Willis) is a former L.A. hostage negotiator acting as chief of police in this backwater town in California. And as with most of Willis’ characters, he’s got some major mental malfunctions. In this case, he’s living with the devastation of a hostage negotiation gone bad, leaving a woman and her child dead. OK, that’s certainly a downer, but former videogame director Floret Emilio Siri apparently ascribes to the tried and true tactic of loading Willis’ character with angst and a bad marriage while dumping him in the middle of well choreographed chaos.

So the remainder of the movie takes us through the standard question of, “Can Willis save the day before he falls to pieces?” Not to mention, “Did too many hours of playing ‘Splinter Cell’ make ‘Mars’ (played by Ben Foster) such a freaking psycho?” Everything else you already know the answer to. When the Hitchcock suspense finally plays out, you won’t even ask about the sudden increase in the “gore” ratio. After all, you’ve seen all the “Die Hard” movies, so why ask why? While the flick has a video game feel to it, that’s not all bad when you’re trying to bilk big bucks using word of mouth advertising from the 18-25 year old demographics. As for the older demographics….well, hey, at least one of us is still employed!

Be Cool : Reviewed by A Guy Who Never Even Bothered to See The Flick

If you’re going to “Be Cool” expecting an encore of the well-crafted and directed “Get Shorty” from 1995, then you’d better rent “Battlefield Earth” first. Just to get some perspective. No, it’s not THAT bad, but seeing it first might make “Be Cool” seem a lot better. An adaptation of Elmore Leonard’s book, this film lacks most of the charm and all of the humor that director Sonnenfeld brought to the original film. The title is more likely a plea for the plethora of guest stars to somehow extract any measure of “coolness” they can from this watered-down-Kool-Aid flavored film featuring icon John Travolta.

Rather than list who is in this film, perhaps a list of who ISN’T is more appropriate. There hasn’t been a bigger waste of good characters with hackneyed one-liners since the Russian mob forced studios to quit making “Naked Gun” movies. Travolta’s Chili Palmer character is hip as always but the train wreck of a script around him makes even that egg-laying Godzilla plot seem plausible. And it’s still undecided if director L. Gary Gray or screenwriter Peter Steinfeld should be given the concrete goulashes on this one.

The premise of “Be Cool” has Chili branching out into the music industry after the president of a record company is murdered. Anyone who’s seen the music charts recently knows that’s a losing proposition, but it gets even more preposterous. Chili is out to make real life recording artist Christina Milian into a star and seeks out the record president’s widow for help. And as cinema fate would have it, the guy’s widow is Uma Thurman! Naturally, you get the obligatory Travolta and Uma dance scene…cut and hacked to pieces. You even get a Cedric The Entertainer dance scene….hammed up, over inflated and blown to bits. How can you possibly screw all of that up? Well, not having Tarantino directing for one. Gray’s attention-deficit style of film editing created more lack of continuity carnage than “Kill Bill”. Or maybe having the terminally “unhip” directing a hip story about hip characters doing hip things just isn’t wise.

Regardless to where the fault lies, the film is not a complete loss. Where it fits in the larger scheme of the Travolta’s character development is plain to see. “Be Cool” is both a sequel and a prequel. The “Get Shorty” sequel reveals “Chili” to actually be “Vincent Vega” from “Pulp Fiction”, before he went to France and became a humorless heroin addict. But if we’re lucky, we won’t have to suffer through all that anytime soon. That would “be cruel”.

The Ring 2 : Reviewed By Some Guy Who Was Smart Enough Not To View The Flick

Following in the fatal footsteps of “The Blair Witch Project”, we find “The Ring” testing the prevailing notion that highly acclaimed original movies often push their luck with highly anticipated and hollow sequels. Score another one for prevailing notions. After watching “The Ring 2”, you’ll realize very quickly that there’s likely not going to be a “Ring 3”. And if you receive any anonymous, unlabeled tape in the mail, you’ll know not to open it. It’s probably this movie.

The tale begins six months after the previous film with the terrorized woman (Naomi Watts) and her son (David Dorfman) fleeing to Oregon to escape the evil Samara and her plan of terror and death. And, uh, that’s about it. No, seriously, it’s the same movie all over again. You know the drill: a crime scene, an unmarked videotape and accusations of mental instability and child abuse.

We leave this plot point to Sissy Spacek, who plays Dr. Temple and during some of the slower passages, some may find themselves reliving 30-year-old scenes from “Carrie”. Why? Because what’s happening in your mind at this juncture is better than what’s happening on the screen. It’s so slow it even puts one of the main characters into a coma, along with half of the audience.

There are a quite a few gaps in logic that remain unresolved. First, nobody ever believes the protagonist, so why try? Second, people in horror movies apparently expect evil entities to lack reliable transportation from the netherworld, and think that simply moving away solves everything. As exemplified by the sheer existence of this aimless sequel, this is clearly not the case. Spirits not only travel widely but can obviously use maps, too.

There are two keys to enjoying this flick. First, recount what you do and do not know about Samara up to this point. Second, care. If either step is missing, repeat until totally absorbed in the mundane enough to take a second trip down the well. With the previous weeks’ collection of schlock and banality still on the box office charts, “The Ring 2” would have to really, really suck not to finish in the top five. But, I have complete confidence that it will successfully do both.

Spoilers From Revenge of the Sith By A Guy Who Will Never, Ever See The Flick

Anakin becomes Darth Vader after exposure to sulfur fumes and an adverse reaction to his asthma medication.

Chancellor Palpatine is evil but nobody knows it but him.

Amidala gets knocked up with twins but Obi Wan is the real father.

The Jedis remain clueless to the Sith’s corporate take-over threat until it is too late to save their dental plan.

Samuel L. Jackson has fewer lines than Lando Calrissian had 20 years ago but more screentime

To no one’s surprise, C-3-P O reveals he is gay.

Lots of things get blown up.

Yoda’s long standing problems with dyslexia are solely responsible for a series of miscommunications which lead the Jedi to utter destruction.

The Sith plan a chain of Death Star Drive-Ins throughout the galaxy.

R2D2 confesses he is afflicted by Tourette’s Syndrome.

Wookies do shit in the woods.

Count Dooku’s reckless real estate speculation leads to Tatooine’s housing market collapse.

Trump Killed By Mob; Resurrected By Satan

Enraged at Donald Trump’s recent reorganization of his casino business, scores of angry investors screwed out of millions of dollars converged on Trump’s limo outside a district court, pulled him from the vehicle and strangled him to death with his own comb-over. However, mere hours after his untimely demise, Donald Trump was resurrected from Hell and sent to ABC to pitch Satan’s newest reality show concept, The Devil’s Apprentice. ABC executives agreed in principle to a limited run of The Devil’s Apprentice and sent Trump to roam the earth in search of a select group of self-centered contestants evil enough to make this spin-off of The Apprentice franchise equally as successful.

Using ultra-high-technology available only to the super-rich and supernatural powers spawned in Hell itself, Trump disappeared in thick, black smoke, returning mere seconds later with contestants harkening from assorted black arts and willing to sign their soul away to The Devil for the opportunity to appear on television. The 12 contestants were split into two teams that will clash in weekly competitions for the possibility of being named the “Devil’s Apprentice” and ruling a minor backwater Domain in Hell. The losers are simply fired and cast into a bottomless pit to face an eternity of torment.

And the show appears to be off to a Hell of a start. Using his vast power over time and space, Trump abbreviated a week long shooting schedule to a few hours and delivered the finished product even before the first promos were outlined. “This show is going to be awesome! Believe it or not, the new, demonic Trump is less arrogant than before. But he makes up for that with a newly developed wicked sense of humor, ” said the show’s producer Mark Burnett. “When Trump fires somebody now, they REALLY get fired, you know what I mean? And it’s not everyday you can go from concept to pilot episode in less than a week. All hail Satan!”

The premiere episode introduced the team members and announced their first task: name their respective teams. Team 1 opted for the confident sounding “We Got Baals”, while Team 2 chose the less obnoxious and more succulently sinister “Hades, Inc.” Their second task was to plan and pitch a satanic commercial designed to harvest as many souls as possible during the coming professional basketball playoffs. “We Got Baals” selected Jennifer Lopez for a live Diet Coke with Lime commercial and plotted a wardrobe malfunction involving a daring derrière display that was calculated to bring the largest proportion of the viewers to the Dark Side.

“Hades, Inc”, meanwhile, employed a much subtler ploy, pitching an ad highlighting a speaking appearance by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich at the Silverton Casino in Las Vegas…sandwiched in between performances by Twisted Sister and Steppenwolf. “If THAT doesn’t shake a lot of core conservative convictions to their very foundations, I don’t know what will,” said Project Manager Annakiya Duvalier, a High Voodoo Priestess from Haiti.

After both teams pitched their ideas to a panel of evil network executives, the ad by “Hades, Inc.” was declared the most diabolical, while “We Got Baals’ was called into the Boardroom to determine who would be the first soul cast into the fiery Pit. After a brief but futile defense, dark warlock and Project Manager Tim Llewellyn was selected for sacrifice. Set afire by a horned and hoofed Trump as The Pit opened beneath his chair, Tim fell in flames, screaming in torment and disappearing into the Darkness below as Trump laughed maniacally.

“Except for the ‘special effects’ this show went pretty much like the previous three Apprentice shows,” said Mark Burnett. The first episode garnered 25.1 million viewers overall and 10.9 rating/25 share in the adults 18-49 demographic at 9 p.m. However, some ABC executives are worried about possibly litigation from injuries and mental anguish incurred by the show’s participants. But, Trump countered those fears by pointing out, “They all signed waivers, so we can do any damned thing we want to them. Besides, who’s going to sue the patron saint of all lawyers anyway?”